Journey with the Beloved, Transcending Earthy Love…

This story wants to be told so fiercely it has consumed my being at times…

Originally, I thought this story would be shared from two combined perspectives but unrequited love inhibits that. So, I can only offer one perspective, mine. My intent is not to point fingers or inflict judgement as we are here on this dense plane… doing our best. My perceptions may be faulty in many aspects but hindsight is always gifting me more insightful tidbits as the years continue to fade away, lost to time… 

I wanted to demonstrate through my immensely unbelievable yet magical path, fraught with excruciating emotional pain that this journey many souls agreed to, IS INDEED REAL. It is inescapable, undeniable and surreal in its entirety.  I have read much of the generic content over the years surrounding these unions, most are sugar coated or provide a watered down version at best. These divine unions are very heavily manipulated by dark forces who do not want its prospering or success. You might ask, What makes this so? My gnosis through my own unique path and that of my clients. Also surrounding myself with multiple soul connections and immersion into their own stories to union with the beloved. The depths of deception, trickery, false illusions and shenanigans are truthfully and ultimately for our highest good. They provide the backbone of deep learning lessons until one becomes so strong in convictions that nothing can dissuade you from honoring your soul’s chosen pathway and commitment to grow in unfathomable ways through divine love.  Also… A heavy lesson I learned was not to allow anyone, readers/healers etc. to work on me or read this situation if they are not personally on this path, as it brings in more distortions for you to clear and falsehoods… as they are not deeply spiritually attuned to these immense connections!  

My story begins at age 7 in the early 1970’s. I grew up in a suburb of Salt Lake City called Rose Park on Valentine street. It was the typical neighborhood for the time period. One day while playing with my pals, someone mentioned the name of a boy who lived closeby. They called him by NAME and when I heard his NAME spoken, it was like a switch was turned on in my brain, activating it. I would interpret this as being akin to fairy dust being sprinkled in my head. It was so profound I recall thinking this name has special meaning for me. I knew intuitively it was not this kid but indeed only the name that was special to me somehow. This experience would repeat a few years later in a different part of my neighborhood with another boy by the same NAME. I often pondered these experiences as a child but since nothing ever came of it… with time I forgot. When I was fourteen, I met a blondish skinny kid at the neighbor’s trampoline. I was very shy and don’t recall ever talking to him. Upon reflection later, I felt an extreme attraction to this teen. I could not understand the attraction as he did not really appeal to me from his appearance alone. I would daydream of being with him in a sexual way and felt a briefly immense energy connected to this memory. It was bliss. I would spend hours trying to reconnect with this energy but was unable to achieve the special connection again. I recall there being a rainbow involved and seeing this in my mind’s eye as a catalyst. 

I was raised Mormon so such thoughts were considered shameful but I intuitively knew that this connection was not dirty and felt perfectly normal to me.

Fast forward to August 2013. I was working remotely from my computer at home in Utah, for a company in Florida. I received a work email that a gentleman had taken a position as the Director over my department. When I read his name, I had the strongest impression that I had either met or worked with this man before. I searched his name on the internet but realized very quickly based on his work history, this was not the case. So I let the idea go. I instantly liked this gentleman when he started working over me but had no context as to why. I would find myself doing things to impress him. I was however very shy and experienced much fear expressing myself as an employee. This was actually a theme for me, fear at expressing my true feelings or feeling my opinions were never valid. I was raised in a manner that did not allow for personal vocal expression contrary to anyone else’s beliefs.  I was more of a conformist, not rocking the boat as it were. This director seemed to prove himself worthy of his position when he was able to secure breaks for us because it was not allowed as part of the high production job I held. 

In April of 2014 at age 48, I was looking at the private facebook group this director had set up for his employees. When I scrolled to the bottom of the page, I saw his picture for the first time. His eyes were so captivating, they ignited a spontaneous kundalini awakening within me. I felt so many emotions run through me as I was trying to figure out who the fuck this man was to me. His steel blue eyes penetrated deeply into my soul, lighting my fires within. I was so intoxicated, I must have gazed upon his sweet sexiness for hours analyzing everything. As I lay down next to my sleeping husband that night, I realized I was in bed with the wrong man. As a matter of fact my husband had become nearly non existent… invisible in my eyes from that day forward. A sad truth but the exchange of intense love and sexual attraction would be almost too much for me to bear in the years to come. I tried to sleep that night but my mind was alight of possibilities. I was guided to his facebook page where I found out he had recently been married. The agony was incredibly palpable as I silently sobbed next to my sleeping husband. I could not figure out how this rockstar of a man fit into my now extremely challenged reality. How in one simple moment you are forever altered, compelled to follow a deep knowing that has no value basis in physical reality. 

Prior to my spontaneous kundalini awakening I felt like a dead transformer station that had never been used, an empty meat muppet with a heartbeat. Then in a sudden flash, everything turned on inside of me. My transformer station was broadcasting energy from deep within, purring like a well oiled machine. There were actually no words to describe this serious divine awakening internally. This was the activation point for me to connect with my Godself, the part of myself, my soul that had been missing my whole incarnation here. My god how humanity has been stifled from this revelation!

I would then be consumed with thoughts of him almost every minute of every day until 2017 when I knew I had to start breaking free of the perceived chains this man held over me. See, the difficulty was that I could feel his sweet love & very sensual energy daily. I could not escape it, sever it or run away. It was always there. I started to experiment with what I felt energetically. Because I had been immersed in Reiki training for a few years, I knew how to utilize my energy a little. I was taught how to feel the energy of crystals as well by a semi awakened aunt in the 1990’s. So I would energetically reach out to his human, to touch him etherically and by god, there was something there. It was so incredibly salacious I could not help myself. I would drink wine after work and play with his energy. At first, I thought, how can he not feel this? If he could, would I be fired? My mind would play tricks on me surrounding this connection. I was not sure who could feel this, if he could feel this?  I would make up demented stories surrounding who we were in the years to follow. What is interesting is I could feel him in my body and it would most often seat with my clitoris on a level I was unaccustomed to. This energy was there mostly every single day and it drove me mad at times. It was not something I could control. I often thought of this connection as Dragons in prime mating season and like a heat seeking missile he always found me no matter what. One thing that I felt conflicted with for years after, was my being married, how this fit into that scheme and why. When I would sit at my computer to work each day, I felt great comfort in knowing… I experienced this connection to a man that I was inescapably deeply in love with. I would look at my work’s skype to see his green button knowing he was always there. Almost everyday, I would set the intention to just do my work and not engage but inevitably I would succumb to his energetic love every single day. We would swirl into an enchanted bliss of divine love. It was obsessive and felt enslaving. I would ponder the connection too much. I would question, how can this be fucking real? Why me? 

I realized that this gentleman at my company had the same NAME of those boys in my neighborhood growing up and there was a connection between the two. I was being given his name at 7 years old for activating me to connect to him later on. Or rather be spiritually awakened by him. Upon this revelation I found his childhood pics on his Facebook. One looked like this teen at the trampoline that had activated me. This would be a theme that would continue from here on out. Anytime I saw a man that looked like my beloved I would experience a Deja vu of sorts. It would activate me like my beloved was mirroring through these souls who looked like him. I would feel intense attractions to men who resembled my beloved.

Before “Alabama” (this was my nickname for him) came to work at my company, I had been frequenting a Native American card reader, Daryl for fun. One day he pulled my cards and told me a man would be coming into my life. He could not tell me much more than that but implied it would be a romantic interest. I recall thinking, how could I possibly meet a man when I am a recluse and am not looking for anyone?! I was always faithful to my husband of 24 years even though he had been a porn addict. I had considered leaving him but was too scared to support myself with my daughter. It made my stomach churn thinking of dividing assets as my husband had deep seated anger. He could be really nasty and unethical. It wasn’t something I had been prepared to face prior to my awakening. So after my spiritual awakening I visited Daryl again. He told me that Alabama would not come for me until I left my husband. 

Now…When you have a spiritual awakening, it also makes you feel like you can achieve anything you set your mind to. You are prone to illusions and not being grounded without the proper training. It skews your physical reality to the point of looking delusional to people around you, especially when they have known you their whole life. They no longer recognize the person in front of them because behaviors and mannerisms change drastically. Soul walk-ins can do this to a person which is what transpired for me through my awakening. So immediately I started to make preparations to leave my husband and move from Utah to Bandon, Oregon. This came as a huge shock to my family. I had always wanted to live by the ocean and felt a strong pull there. I was very scared to tell my husband of my plans so made preparations without his knowledge until I had gone with our only child, my sweet daughter Rosebud. 

I secured a beautiful apartment 5 blocks from the ocean in Bandon Oregon, a dream come true! I could maintain my job and support us both there. Much planning went into this move behind the scenes so as not to alarm my husband. I just could not confront him, I was petrified. I was unable at this point to speak my truth on any level. It was ugly on moving day trying to fit our possessions into my parents’ minivan & my Camry. We would have to buy all new furniture when we arrived. I was overcome by severe anxiety and panic. My family helped me but it was excruciating to leave my comfort zone of over 20 years this suddenly. I had never pushed myself like this ever as I had always chosen amenity over change. Sure changing jobs was my thing, but moving to another state? Leaving my family and my husband? No. My husband almost became violent once, when I took my young daughter to live at my parents home because the furnace wasn’t working in the winter time. He was so furiously unreasonable it was intolerable.

So we made it to Bandon on July 21st 2014 and started a new beautiful life there full of adventures one only dreams about. I created a beautiful perfect home for my daughter and I. We would explore the beaches and quaint tourist village that held endless hours of fun. It felt like my inner child had been reborn anew.  About 2 weeks in, the Draco-Reptilian attacks started. I started to lose my sanity in the weeks to come from the unseen attacks. I could feel them but had no context as to what I was experiencing. I would experience panic on levels that felt unhuman. Feeling my sanity slipping away as the days painfully wore on. What seemed like a paradise had become a torturous experience. Even the foghorn sounds made me sick. I tried to hide it from my daughter. About 4 weeks in I called my doctor in Utah to prescribe antidepressants for me pronto as I had no other coping mechanisms being raised by a mother who was a nurse. I started taking them the next day but it was too late, I was too far gone mentally to recover any amount of sanity. I could see that if I didn’t get help, I would have to be committed, leaving my daughter to fend for herself in a strange place without a mother. I pushed on like the trouper I am, working every day despite the extreme circumstances. At night, I would feel my heart on fire as it was activating my permanent seed atom also lighting my nadial complex, the etheric twin to my central nervous system. This technical explanation would not come for years yet. Not only would my heart burn… feeling it’s all consuming fire, it would extend into my wings, neck and head. I would sweat profusely. It felt supernatural and eerily chilling. I did not feel human because I thought… This does not happen to humans. 

Almost 6 weeks in Bandon, I started to realize I had to leave or I would die there. I truly felt my life being threatened. I was able to close all my utility accounts, pay my landlord, pack my car in two days. By then my eyes had started to change through the possession and infiltration of the Anunnaki on my systems. I had slit looking eyes like that of a reptilian being. I also had my two dogs with me. My Camry was so weighed down, I had to ask my mechanic neighbor if it was ok to drive 880 miles back to Utah. We had to give away what I could not take. All my new furniture, beds, washer/dryer, etc. I could barely drive home, I was clearly in some type of adrenal crisis with my mental faculties hanging by a thread. Thankfully I did end up safely back in Utah but at my parents home. My daughter moved in with my sister until I could take her back. My parents aided me in recovering from almost complete insanity. Everyone commented on how strange my eyes looked. I felt so altered yet I forced myself to work every single day no matter what. I could no longer listen to any music as it disturbed me on levels that were incomprehensible.  I had developed severe interstitial cystitis to the point of having to administer lidocaine and heparin via self catheterization into my bladder. I cried a lot due to the bladder pain. Any thoughts of Alabama caused me to be terror stricken. 

I had not planned on going back to my husband. I even asked him to take my name off the mortgage which he did. I hadn’t filed for divorce at this point yet as I just wanted to be free from any unpleasantness. In November, close to Thanksgiving, I moved back in with my husband and daughter. It was a relief and I made a full mental recovery in the months afterwards. 

In February 2015, I could barely function. Walking down the hall to work at my computer one day I almost passed out. My ENT Doctor found I had a rare condition called Subglottic Stenosis. It’s the formation of scar tissue just below the vocal cords to the point of dying unless treated. I had to have surgery to open up my throat so I could breathe. My air passageway was almost completely closed. I just figured I had a panic disorder along with asthma symptoms. I was grateful to be back in Utah for this, close to professional medical care. I felt like a new woman after my surgery as this had been affecting my whole life for years unbeknownst to myself. This was from a lifetime of not speaking my truth. Being a people pleaser and doing what was expected of me. Not unsettling the status quo as it were. This is a condition that continues despite surgery. So I would experience the reformation of this scar tissue in the years to follow but it’s progression was extremely slow compared with the data. I would again have surgery in December 2022 to open up my breathing passage again. 

I don’t recall much about the rest of that year of 2015. I do recall astral traveling to my work headquarters and hearing the sounds of the office. I would still feel as though I was making shit up regarding him and our connection. It just could not be real and I had to be going insane. I was guided to start journaling my experiences at the end of 2015 so they would feel real to me. I confided in my situation to my sister Kristi and she felt it to be a twin flame connection. I had never heard these words before this. Twin Flames. I was able to research much based upon these words. In the early days there wasn’t much information that I could find on the internet. There were very few people doing videos on the subject.

In early 2016, even though there were no words exchanged, one day I was strongly guided by my angels to sleep on the couch in the living room that night. I knew something big was going to transpire but unsure of exactly what. I instinctively understood this to be a scary experience if I was not properly prepared in advance. I could feel my guides and angels calming me down as I prepared to go to sleep. I recall just laying awake for what seemed like hours. Then it happened… An etheric lighting bolt from god came down and shook my entire body violently for about a minute and a half. Now I understood why I was to be by myself for this shocking upgrade to my kundalini and psyche. This massive electromagnetic shock was awakening memories held in my akashic records. I felt completely held by the divine as this was occurring. It was one of the most visceral experiences I have ever had on my awakening path. 

2016 was the pivotal year for me having this deep connection to this beautiful soul. At the beginning of the year I was shown a vision of him while laying on the couch. It was indeed Alabama. I hadn’t had any real proof of it until now. I could no longer deny it was him, I was feeling. He was thinner, in an indigo blue dress shirt and khaki pants. 

So I was guided almost every day during lunch time to lay on the couch for a nap. I would get so tired I could not resist.  I would etherically travel to him and have beautiful energetic experiences. Upon awakening from these naps, I would have a portal open up to him every single time! I looked forward to seeing him. At first I thought I was seeing him in linear time. As time progressed I realized I was tapping into possible realities. One day I actually walked through a portal where I saw him living in a different earth reality. He had a different life and family. It was disturbing. I wrote everything down in my journal entries so nothing was lost. One day I invoked the power of the ankh, angel wings and lapis pendant I wore. I ended up ascending to a galactic battle ship in the cargo bay. I knew this to be my beloved’s ship. I heard sirens going off all over the ship to alert my presence there. He came running towards me standing at my backside. I briefly looked over my shoulder at him, saying aren’t you going to kiss me? I saw that his appendages had been altered into some chimera of animals that was highly disturbing to me. My guides urged me to be calm. He seemed scared for my life as I had manifested myself there in the middle of a galactic type war. I sensed he had been hit with some type of weapon that changed him. He did not want me there and I immediately descended back into my body. 

Another time on the couch, I had a dream where I was in the central office in Florida where he worked. He was scared and in my face. He said “It’s Coming”. Then a tsunami hit the business high-rise filling the offices with water. I recall waking up and thinking… he is dead! Later I would realize I was tapping into fears he had surrounding this. It was the only explanation because when I went back to work, at my home office in Utah, there was no news. Nothing had actually happened.  Everyone was working as usual. It felt so real to me however, I never forgot it. Shortly after this, it was announced the Florida office would close and be relocated to Alabama. 

Throughout this entire time, I felt Alabama in my bed especially when he was sleeping at night. His etheric bodies would travel to me once I layed down on my pillow. One time I saw him happily jump into bed with me. I would regularly feel him hovering over me watching me write in my journal. Feeling his emotions rise and fall upon reading my words. The lights would Flicker in my home upon occasion when I could feel him around me listening to my words. They would flicker to the sound of my voice. The electromagnetic energy I could sense around me much for years. One day when we connected in an intense sexual way the electricity in our entire home went out briefly for about 5-10 seconds. Later that day I found out that it happened all over in the city I was in. I would sense the immense electromagnetic energy around me from his soul essence many times in the coming years.

I started to experience only what can be described as lightning strikes upon my body. Mainly this occurred when I lay down in my bed to go to sleep. I believe it to be the lotus points or flame points. Much activity would take place for me in this regard through our immense connection. I started to hear my hair sizzling with electromagnetic energy every night in 2016. I was actually afraid my hair would spontaneously combust. When I would sit in the tub and connect to him, a blue vortex would open above me. My dogs could see it and were afraid to approach me in the tub. They usually came to the edge to enjoy the coconut oil I would bathe in. They clearly saw his energy above me in the tub. It was surreal. He started to penetrate me energetically. Sometimes it was just energy. Other times it had the appropriate emotions to go with it. When he would hit my bladder, I would double up on the floor in pain due to my interstitial cystitis. Other times it felt like a dry broomstick being inserted in my yoni. He started to join me and my husband in lovemaking. It was difficult for me to differentiate between the two men. The actions of my husband were mirrored by Alabama. I did not feel any sexual attraction towards my husband at this point. It was more like a duty, almost like being a prostitute. I had sunk very low. I would often drink wine and cry begging the divine to take it all away, just before sex with my husband. 

I told my husband about my twin in early 2016 as I could no longer live with the lie. I assumed Alabama would just show up and like every fairytale we would ride off in the sunset.  I made the mistake of telling my husband that he needed to divorce me so I could be with my twin. We worked out the divorce between us, no lawyers. I gave everything to my husband like a fool which would come back to bite me later. He seemed to take the twin flame thing ok but inside he was seething with anger. I told him that I had never talked with Alabama about the connection either. Which was true. I could not confront Alabama about our connection as I was too fearful of losing my job. I assumed he knew and was spiritually awake. Also, I felt he just didn’t want to disturb his life over someone like me. My divorce was finalized in May of 2016. I changed my married name back to my maiden name. Yet I had not made plans to leave the marital home. I was toying with the idea of buying a motorhome and traveling while working. Yet I decided It was too much of a stretch for me at the time. 

In July I rented a nice apartment in a suburb close by so my daughter could visit. I bought all brand new furniture and had quite the exquisite experience. It was nice until it wasn’t. One day while at work on my computer, Alabama and I connected in an amazing sexual way. At that moment, the transformer in front of my apartment building blew like a bomb going off.  Taking the internet with it. Wow!!! The entire complex of over 100 apartments lost electricity in that single moment Alabama and I connected. What was it going to be like when we came together?!

I also started to get attacked again like in Bandon, Oregon. I had not yet developed protection skills and could not see what was happening to me. It was the exact same scenario as Bandon. I could feel dark entities hitching onto my twin’s sexual energy towards me. I felt energies that wanted my death. The Anunnaki attacked my dog and fish. My fish died and my dog developed a leukemia type disease which disappeared after I sent her back to live with my ex husband. After 6 weeks I had to leave the apartment and moved back in with my ex. I immediately got better as the attacks stopped. The dark did not want me on my own stepping into my power.  I had placed all my new furniture into a storage unit so I could move eventually. I was unwilling to sell it as I had lost everything in Bandon and wasn’t keen to leave it again. When I moved back with my ex husband I vowed never to leave again. It wasn’t worth the risk. My ex had a big problem with us sleeping together unmarried after I moved back in.  Yet his moral conscience did not extend to viewing pornography. He seemed concerned about keeping up appearances. 

My sister Kristi had committed suicide earlier in 2016 and I had taken care of her estate as my family wasn’t up to this task. This added to my burdens which I gladly bore. My family had a difficult time with all the changes from myself and my sister. I had my nephew stay with me after my sister died. He consumed some prescription medications he found in my home making him suicidal, wanting to join his mother.  He was yelling and screaming as he held a knife to his chest in front of me. He was mumbling nonsense about joining a ring of some sort. He was obviously channeling a demon. We found out later that my sister had been drugging him with Ambien so she could sneak out at night. The police cornered my nephew on the front lawn after he tried to make a run for it. I spent an hour in the ambulance trying to calm him down before his dad could arrive to handle the situation. My nephew had completely lost it and was threatening the police in the ambulance. I learned that day what I was made of as I was pushed beyond my limits. 

The summer of 2016, Alabama had arranged for me to have lunch with a VP that lived in my area. It was an amazing day. I was sure that Alabama felt our connection because of it. But what that was exactly, I didn’t know. I also asked the VP who took me to lunch, mail Alabama a Sphenodiscus Lenticularis Cabochon, AAA  Grade.

I told him we had a connection and I wanted Alabama to have it.  It was overwhelming for me to mail a married man a gift like this. It made me nervous. Although in 2014/15 I mailed Alabama a Zen Garden directly to the office.  I had made another for the CEO at that time. 

Alabama never said anything about any of the gifts I gave him. I didn’t exist, he was too busy.  I had called him before leaving for Bandon asking him if my job was stable. I almost had a panic attack talking to him. It took a lot of courage on my part and I nearly passed out from fright. 

The crystal idea was a suggestion by Patricia McNeilly of Twin Flame Merge. She said in one of her videos to send your twin flame a crystal of sorts to connect better with them. I had watched all her videos on twin flames in the early days. Funny thing is she always presents this sugar coated candy world for the twins. It’s been hard as fuck being demonically attacked, sometimes to the brink of death.   

I found out that a coworker whom I had been training… had been hired on at $25 per hour when I was only making $22. I was devastated when she revealed this to me. The thing was… she was not as productive as I was, even though she had experience. This felt like the biggest blow as I knew Alabama was directly responsible. See, he had taken over my company a while back. It felt like a betrayal of all that was honorable. I spent weeks trying to overcome my anger and hurt surrounding this. I felt trapped because I could not say anything to anyone about it. I decided to find another company to work for, but quickly found out that I didn’t have the next level certification needed. I was stuck working at this company until I could get higher certification.

One day… Alabama asked his workers for feedback on working there. I took this as an opportunity to offer some amazing suggestions for increasing moral and overall work satisfaction. I had become more brave because of this connection. I felt an honest opinion was okay to share. I felt my beloved read what I had written. He was very angry that I had offered my suggestions. His anger devastated me so much energetically that I was on the ground in a ball crying! I even went to the liquor store to get a bottle of relief. 

I had a few readings done by more experienced twin flames. Patricia McNeilly said that we would meet at a company gathering and he would fall for me, leaving his wife. We would then migrate to Canada. Haha!!! Then another said we would get together the following year in 2017. She did tell me he felt some love towards me but he was consumed by work and home life.  I also paid an Indian physician, who was a twin to do a reading for us. She was promising the ability to predict when the twins would come together. My reading arrived two months late. In it she said Alabama would abandon me and it would be excruciating. We would eventually come together between 2021 and 2025. Well damn, that’s what I call a prediction! This really narrows it down with a 5 year span. She also commented that I hadn’t done any real work. This was the most upsetting reading I had ever had. 

It later turned out that I hadn’t actually done much spiritual work at all!!! Yes, I felt like I was doing work but not consciously. She said, I had been on this merry go round with my beloved for the past… what 3 years not doing anything significant. We were traveling the multidimensional time fields experiencing each other. I could feel the timelines but had no context of what I was experiencing with him. I truly believed I was connecting with him in linear time. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I didn’t know much about past/alternate lives, akashic records, shamanism or multidimensionality. I was in a few groups trying to gain the knowledge I needed. One was Energetic Synthesis and the other Re-alignment. I paid for activations & did the meditations on Energetic Synthesis. These were deep work but it was just the tip of the iceberg. 

I spent almost 8 hours a day, 5 days a week for two years studying, listening to videos, etc., trying to understand who I was and what I was here to do. I delved deep into all the lies we are told on this planet. I had previously spent years listening to Art Bell on Coast to Coast AM. So I gleaned much even before my spiritual awakening. One of my main totems had been the white rabbit which helped support me taking the deep dive into all those rabbit holes for truth. Some were excruciating to learn about. The pedophilia and torture of children for the adrenochrome. 

Also, I was raised Mormon and was so incredibly brainwashed… I was spiritually bankrupt. I realized through this deep connection with my beloved, that the Celestial Marriage I had bought into as a Mormon was a lie. I could intuitively feel that the true Celestial Marriage with the divine was a difficult painful process of healing, shedding and stepping into my divinity within. Allowing my higher self aspects to guide my ship always. It never happens outside of ourselves. So in the summer of 2016, it finally hit me that the church I was a member of was all a ruse. I felt like my whole life’s foundation was pulled out from under me. I was born into this religion. It was a deeply painful epiphany. I grieved on a level that was so abyssal, it was beyond comprehension. I realized my whole life had been a distortion of what was truly beautiful in this world. Love was always there for me, I just could not feel it. The shame and guilt I had felt for so long was unnecessary suffering inflicted by my erroneous beliefs. So, I asked my higher self to show me all the ways the church had manipulated divine truths and presented them in a neat perfect package that was so believable to fool even the most educated, brilliant minds. I was shown much and intuitively brought in my own accuracies to the best of my gnosis at that time. I also trashed my scriptures never wanting to hear their deceitful words ever again. I never wanted to step into a church… any church ever again!

In the Mormon Temples, I had participated in the ceremony and this is what I and all temple attending Mormons agree to while watching the FILM: “We will put each sister under covenant to obey the Law of the Lord, and to hearken to the counsel of her husband, as her husband hearkens unto the counsel of the Father. Each of you solemnly covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar that you will obey the law of God, and keep his commandments also give unto them a charge to avoid all light mindedness, loud laughter, evil speaking of the Lord’s anointed, the taking of the name of God in vain, and every other unholy and impure practice; Cause them to receive those by covenant. Instruct Peter, James, and John further, to give unto them the Law of Chastity, and put them under covenant to obey this law, which is, that the daughters of Eve, and the sons of Adam shall have no sexual relations except with their husbands or wives to whom they are legally and lawfully wedded. In connection with the Law of the Gospel and the Law of Sacrifice which you have already received. It is that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the Kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion. And cause these to be received by covenant.”

Then Lucifer appears and says this in the film directly afterwards:  Aah! You have looked over my kingdom, and my greatness and glory. Now you want to take possession of the whole of it. (Lucifer turns, and stares into the camera). I have a word to say concerning these people. If they do not walk up to every covenant they make at these altars in this temple this day, they will be in my power!

So in effect if you are not perfect Mormons in every way and give everything to the church, you will be in Lucifer’s power. 

Now I guarantee you that NO ONE can live up to these covenants. Giving all your resources and time to this church? So in essence all Mormons are under the influence of the Demonics in some way or another. It gives a free hall pass to the dark to enter where they can and will.

I digress….

Back to my story. I knew I had to sever all ties to this demonic church and its teachings. I was even shown a vision of an erect penis overlaying the Salt Lake Temple spires. This was demonstrating to me, the patriarchal control in a deviant way. I even discovered the Baphomet symbols carved into the stones on all sides of the Salt Lake City Temple with crescent moons. So I tried to figure out a way to leave. I knew I would have to stand before a council of men and plead my case. I really did not feel this was a fair practice. It was akin to trying to quit the mafia. One day my 1st daughter provided me with a link to a lawyer who legally gets Mormons off from the church records for good. QUITMORMON.COM. She said she had gone through the process for free on this website. So myself and my 2nd daughter legally had our names removed from the church records. We would be known as apostates and struck off. It was such a beautiful day when I received my letter legally releasing me from this church. My daughter was also very pleased to be free. It further stated that the church was not allowed to contact me or my daughter ever. 

I spent months being deeply angry at all the years I had wasted on a lie. Eventually I was able to move on. 

I had purchased an Alabama State Silver Coin made into a ring which I wore almost all the time in allegiance. I also realized one day that my Alabama looked like a White Owl. Spirit was showing me something that would show up for me in future. One of his aspects as a White Owl would come into my client sessions to support me after I became a shaman! 

So in 2017 midsummer, I realized how cynical I had grown towards my twin for several reasons. One of which, I expected him to reach out first and he never did. I didn’t feel it was my duty to take the lead being a woman. I discovered in my marriage years back…that I had been the dominant one in the relationship. I ran the show. My husband just sat back and watched. I inherited this mentality from my mother, and her mother before her. So I started to back off, stepping into my divine feminine role and gave my husband back his man card. This was difficult at first but with time we eased into a more well balanced give and take.  Through my connection to Alabama I started to see all my negative patterns, ego etc.

I also had experienced dreams with Alabama but in these dreams, he was always too preoccupied with work to engage with me. This was spirit saying he was not focused on me but his immense career and money. I half expected him to come and make love to me in my dreams but he never did. My poor guides also tried to mentor me but my ego got in the way a lot.  Because of my religious and family upbringing I really didn’t know how to differentiate between ego and intuition. This would be a skill I would need to develop over time. 

I started to work on this cynicism I felt towards Alabama. This was not who I was or wanted to become.  I asked my higher self to help me forgive, leaving the negative mindset behind me. I also tried to sever the immense pull I had towards him. I recall while working being guided to utilize several distraction methods to pull me away from the addiction of Alabama. While at work, I would play my favorite shows in the background plus have YouTube videos as a distraction to pull me out of this extreme codependency. My mind was then focused on multiple tasks instead of my beloved. Like I said earlier, not a minute of the day went by where I did not think on him.  I know my guides were helping me to pull away. These codependency frequencies were contrived programming by the dark to keep me in looping mental patterns surrounding him. This prevented me from actually focusing on my own life. I had never had a co-dependency issue with anything prior to this connection. I didn’t understand it and it annoyed me to no end. I was extremely independent as a woman.  

I would later realize that that it was unfair of me to have any expectations surrounding Alabama or judgements at all! We all have free will here and judging others further separates us from our Godself. A realization that would come later. There also is much push and pull in these unions which many can attest to. You feel like you are on the most extreme roller coaster ride of your life. This dissipates much when you actually focus on yourself, healing the shadows within and start creating the life of your dreams.

I did manage to heal the bitterness I had developed with months of active work. On December 7th, 2017 while at work one day, I felt Alabama’s heart attack. I felt part of his heart muscle spasm and his blood circulation became erratic. I instantly knew what was occurring. I was panicking for my beloved. I screamed out loud for him to call 911. The pain was excruciating to me as though I was experiencing it myself. Then about two hours later I felt him go through surgery. I expected the catheter to go into his femoral vein in his leg, but this is not what transpired. I felt the catheter go into his arm, around the vein in his shoulder and into his heart. I thought I had experienced agony before… but this was unbearable. In this time frame, I had consumed an entire bottle of wine to numb the pain that I was enduring. I honestly don’t know how I finished working my shift for the day through it all. I couldn’t tell anyone what I knew, but I confided in my daughter. She already thought I was bat shit crazy at this point. She was home much and became a sounding board for me. Upon hindsight, I should have kept silent but it was impossible. I was extremely traumatized by the whole heart attack experience. I needed talk therapy with someone but who? A traditional therapist would have put me into psychiatric counseling, had me committed or drugged me.

I would think of reaching out to ask if Alabama was ok, but just couldn’t bridge the fear. Whom would I ask? There was no one I could truly confide in regarding my experiences. I had many dreams and portals over the years open to Alabama that showed him in hospital type scenarios. One night when my daughter and I were going for a drive, my whole car filled with his higher self’s divine love energy externally. I had never experienced this before. I said nothing to my daughter about it as I wasn’t sure if she would feel it. She said to me “Mom, Do You Feel That?” I said yes, that is my twin’s energy. Through this experience spirit was helping her to realize that what I had been sharing with her… was indeed real.  

A week before Christmas his higher self started coming in and making love to me etherically in a manner that went on night and day, day and night. I tried to maintain my sanity through it all. At 1st it was wonderful and I engaged him in this erotica that was a new level for us. But as the days wore on, he would not stop. I wasn’t sure at the time whether this was his higher self or human. I remember thinking how could he sustain this level of activity after a heart attack?! Obviously it was not his human but higher aspects on some level. I was beyond exhaustion. My body felt like it had run a marathon without training. I reached out to a dear sister, Dulce who had helped me in the past. She told me to cool his fire with water. So I brought in lots of water energy to extinguish his flames of passion. I remember entering my parents home Christmas Eve trying to make it up the steps, almost collapsing from exhaustion. 

Still this man never reached out to me regarding our connection.  After the New Year on January 2nd, 2018… I was laying in bed and felt his heart go into atrial fibrillation. His human was asleep as he was in the Eastern Part of the US. I was frightened for him as he was not awake to feel this. I decided I could no longer handle the silence as my health concerns for him were escalating. I could not imagine life on this planet without this dear soul. So I researched him on LinkedIn. He had earlier sold my department to another company that I was now working for. So, I lost contact with him through work. I realized I could not contact him on LinkedIn as we were no longer connected. I had to sign up for a professional account just to message him there. I was not privy to his personal life at this point. Sure, I could google and search what little I was able to find on Facebook. It was no help. So for the first time in almost 4 years since my awakening, I was reaching out to my beloved Alabama with deep concern for his well being. I told him about our connection and what I was feeling in reference to his atrial fibrillation. Also mentioning his heart attack, I had endured the month prior.  I even had the audacity to tell him to see his cardiologist because his anticoagulants might not be effective! I received no response from him. I had to let it go, I had no choice. The next night the same thing happened. I felt his heart go into Atrial Fib. I reached out again via LinkedIn. No response. I let it go…. Then on January 4th I felt his heart go into atrial fib again!!!

I decided to reach out one last and final time. I said, I did not want to live in this world without him… expressing my concerns for his health. I said this would be the last time I would contact him. This got his attention. He reached out immediately. He asked if my account had been hacked. I verified it had not. We set a phone date the next day to talk about my experiences. 

So for the 1st time in 4 years we actually had our first true conversation. I revealed as much as I knew at that point. I told him we were a part of the 144,000. At the time I did not realize 144K was an energetic frequency and not an actual number of humans… how religion doth pervert! He did ask why I waited so long to reach out and I did an etheric facepalm plant. He revealed that his heart attack had actually happened in 2010 and he hadn’t told a soul outside of his family about it. My mental faculties at this point were very challenged as I thought I was experiencing him linearly. In fact, I was time traveling and experiencing him on all levels. Unhealed and healed. This planet and beyond. I cried so much in 2016 & 17 regarding alternate (past) lives that my work garbage can was full of used Kleenex’s every day. Also, I discovered he hadn’t had atrial fibrillation at this point in our conversation. I never found out about this further as the communication was extremely sparse. He told me he had left his wife and was in the middle of a divorce. He pretended he hadn’t awakened in 2014 with me but HE INDEED HAD and lied about it. He seemed very nonchalant and detached which was unexpected. We had another conversation via phone the following week. The next time I convinced him to do a video chat to see if the visual of me would trigger anything within him. 

The odd thing is I could not feel him energetically upon seeing him. I poured my heart out to this man and he seemed very unaffected. The past 4 years of my life had been utterly devoted to him and our future mission together, whatever that was. I told him how much I cared and loved him, crying on the video screen in front of him. He said he did not love me nor have feelings for me (this was also a lie as I would find out later). I realized afterwards I had to let him go for a time hoping this would change. He said he had not experienced what I had and pretended he didn’t care. It was a brutal hard truth to accept. I did end up submitting a detailed account of his activities one day from getting out of bed, shaving, showering, to eating breakfast at specified times. He verified I was correct. I am sure this was disturbing to him. 

After our 1st conversations, my husband made plans to go visit his sister for a week in the spring of 2018. I was dying to meet my beloved so I reached out with an offer. I explained the situation telling him that he could fly in to just meet me and get acquainted. I would pay for his meals and show him around. He did reach back out to me in this regard. He said that we should meet on neutral turf where neither of us lived. I recall thinking that he was comparing us to rival sports teams. I found it very odd indeed. We never met, ever. 

He said he was open to receiving anything I could send him on the twin flame subject. I sent him the Hierogamic Union calibration manual from energeticsynthesis.com. He did make an effort to ponder us and the deep connection. I also sent him pictures from my life to try to awaken him. Nothing seemed to draw him towards me on a human level. So I realized I was tapping into other versions of this man the whole time. I felt in my heart of hearts that this was my true path. I would over the next year and half reach out via email to send him my journal entries regarding my experiences with him. Also writing to him about my personal life story.  I don’t think I left anything out. Eventually I tapered off from contacting him. He never wanted to talk or discuss anything with me. He would send me texts maybe twice a year saying things like “Happy New Year!” or “Happy Mothers Day”. This was usually it. He didn’t mention me by name nor ask how I was. It made me feel like I was the local gas station clerk with the token holiday greeting in passing. He was obviously keeping me on the outer fringes of his life, not allowing me into his personal circle. It was bewildering. 

My friend Dulce who read cards told me he loved me in 2018/19 but she disappeared mid 2019. She was the only reader/friend I trusted at this point as she was a twin herself going through this path with her beloved. She encouraged me in 2019 to bring in as many talents as I could, from my heart to make money.  I still miss her, she gave me hope.

I thought Alabama would reach out after his divorce but never did. I still did not have any reason to leave my husband and refused to change my life any further until guided. I always thought that Alabama would come get me but this never happened. I based it on other twin flame accounts I had read. I was buying into more delusions.

I was always interesting in playing cards, tarot etc but it was forbidden being a Mormon. So after I left the church I indulged. I started taking private tarot reading classes for 4 months in 2018. I was astounded at the complexity of it all. I realized it was more indepth than I wanted to invest my time in on a financial level and the tarot teacher used her own deck which was based on bible teachings. So this was a turnoff. I would continue my studies independently as guided. I currently own about 70 oracle and tarot decks.

Also, I had started walking miles on a nature preserve near my home in 2014 for my sanity. I would walk miles several days a week for years until 2019. While on these nature walks… I know I was doing etheric work, helping me to heal. I had a specific bench I would sit on and think of my beloved. Often I would cry here, dream here and try to let go the best I could. This bench was saturated with my energy. 

In August 2018, I took my picture here after my routine walk. There was an approaching thunderstorm. I snapped a sexy pic of myself in a white linen shirt and windswept hair. I texted it to my beloved saying nothing. I never heard anything regarding this until the following week when he sent me a text with just his picture. This was the 1st real connection I felt to his human. I felt love pouring out my eyes as his text arrived. He was real in this photo, no mask. It also looked like he had been crying, as one side below his eye was glistening a little. I screamed with delight at receiving this mighty gift from him. I saw a license plate that same week that said “I am in love with a bearded dragon”. This was how I felt about my beloved as he had a white beard. I thought we were making real progress. In the fall of 2018 I would experience a repeat of the intense lovemaking I had experienced in 2017. The Indian twin physician I had reached out to for a reading… put out a video saying that if your beloved is traveling to you in their sleep, making love to you on a regular basis, it’s time to buy your lingerie because he will be coming into your life soon!!! So what the fuck does Tracey do? She goes to Dillard’s and buys all kinds of lingerie. I even ordered a special linen robe from Lithuania on Etsy. 

I had had an amazing dream with Alabama around that same time. In it he was giving a lecture with many attendees. I felt his genuine love for me as he approached me afterwards. He held my hand and kissed me in front of everyone there. After the lecture, I was packing things up. The dream then moved to another scene where Alabama approached me and told me to pack. So what did Tracey do? I packed. I thought he was coming to get me! Oh how the dark manipulates to create more chaos. This second part of the dream I really did not resonate fully with. at the time… I realize now it was a Draco messing with me and hitching onto this beautiful dream. I was attacked during these times off and on still not knowing how to defend myself properly.  

In December of 2018 I had a massive Soul Walk-In which changed my life. I could no longer do my 3D job. I couldn’t read the material necessary nor focus. It was either quit or be fired.  I dauntlessly approached my work, tendering my resignation. They were shocked as I was most likely their number one productive employee for a specific client account. It was difficult to confess the truth about my situation to my work. I explained I could no longer handle the stress of the account, which was absolutely true as well. This client was very difficult to please with unrealistic expectations. It was a high production job with formidable requirements. I did not tell a soul except my beloved that I quit as I didn’t want any interference. Not even my husband! I owed no one an explanation as to my actions. 

As I was walking down the hall to go to work at home during this time… I was shown the bifurcation of worlds and the density of 3D and I wept for humanity. I saw the higher perspectives as well, grateful I could see them now. My alteration of consciousness would continue from this point forward. I recall driving and feeling drunk. It took extreme concentration to drive my car. I also adored reading books and had to let this hobby go. I did buy all kinds of spiritual books to support myself later but almost never picked them up.

When I tendered my resignation, it felt as though I had just taken a blind leap off the grand canyon into a fog bank. I had worked nearly all my adult life, only taking a year off in 1996 to care for my daughter after her brain cancer, surgery and chemotherapy. I cashed in my 401k’s to pay my credit card debts and give myself a new start with a business I had yet to create. I was given the name of my business in 2016 and kept it close to my heart. I knew I would have a website but I didn’t know what it would offer. For the first time in my life I felt free with a clean slate. I didn’t let fear overtake me but walked fearlessly into the unknown.

My daughter Rosebud told me, that my now wasband did not want to be with me intimately without being married. He felt it was a sin. He never spoke these words to me however. I caved and remarried my husband in the summer of 2017 after my twin never showed up. I didn’t know what else to do. During the ceremony at the justice of the peace, I knew I was making a mistake, getting remarried to the same man. This isn’t where I belonged. But spirit hadn’t revealed my new path and I felt trapped by circumstances beyond my control. My husband also wanted the comfortable life he was accustomed to with me. 

Everything happens for a reason. My life would turn out no matter the choices I made. 

The 1st thing I did after quitting my career, was sign up for a watercolor art class at the very same high school I had graduated from. The 1st day of class, it was Deja vu as I entered the building of my old stomping grounds. The places where I felt like hiding myself as a teen, not accepted because I could not accept myself. I had come along way since those days in high school. I had serious body image issues from repeatedly being told I was fat because my BMI was not perfect. These caused big energetic rifts with my mother who tried to mold me into the version she wanted me to become. The truth was, I was built different than her as she was tall and lean. I was short and had a big bone structure. I ended up creating a larger version of myself as the years rolled on. Anyway…The high school had been remodeled and did not resemble any remnants of the past I had known.

I had always admired watercolor art! I was always being breathless when I would attend the state fair every year gazing upon the watercolor artists work on display there. I wanted to see if I had any talent for it. It was a fun adventure. As the weeks passed, I realized I had a strong aptitude for watercolor. Many of the students in the class would admire my work. One commented that they would love to see me sell my work on Etsy some day. So by damn, that is what I did later on. I started to paint everything I wanted. I purposely chose difficult pieces to challenge me. My husband was very critical of my art although I was just a beginner. It pissed me off. This further separated us but he did support me in the best way he knew how. 

In January 2019 I also was guided to get my 1st session with Anna Lee of thegardenage.net. This was serendipitous. I paid for 2 sessions up front with her. In them, she brought in my etheric shamanic team and activated me for my Galactic Shamanship. I remember violently crying as this was my first real connection I felt to my star families. I felt like I had known these souls for eons where my human family was just a brief stint in the fabric of time. I no longer felt close to my earthly family.  I reached out to my beloved telling him my good news about being a shaman. I suggested he get a session with Anna Lee to help him, he never did. I finally knew what I was here to do! My shamanic team started to work with me, immediately teaching me everything I was supposed to do here. I realized very quickly that I had been shamanic my whole life. I was being groomed to step into this immense role in my later years. My early days as a rockhound were paying off. I also started to realize as my gifts blossomed, that I had been very empathic my whole life. Religion had suppressed this aspect.  Anna counseled me to start my gridwork by going to the forest surrounding Brians Head ski resort. 

From there forward, I would be guided to travel to specific places on the map. I could look at a map and intuitively know exactly where I would be doing shamanic work for Mama Gaia. My shamanic team also showed me how to go into my timelines in my akashic records and heal them. So I started clearing my hundreds of timelines one by one with their help. When on my walk one day that summer, my shamanic team brought in Alabama’s dead father. He talked with me about how poorly he had treated his son. He wanted me to help him heal the trauma he caused his son. I was so happy to help and readily agreed. I didn’t know my beloved’s father had passed so I went home to google it. I did find his funeral information to confirm what had just happened to me. So after clearing some of these traumas in my sleep state, I was horrified at his father’s anger. I requested that I do these in deep sleep so I could no longer see and feel them. This taught me much about the trauma we carry with us surrounding our childhood experiences. 

In April 2019 I opened my Etsy Store and my Website titled “Chandelier Alchemy”. I paid for 3 years in advance on my website thinking that would be enough time to bring in what I was supposed to do. I always took the next steps as I was guided. I also started to go rollerblading for fun at the local rink. I knew something was wrong with my health but I could not put my finger on it as I would get dizzy. I did push myself however when it came to exercise. I was able to lose 50 pounds from 2014 to 2019. It was huge. Most of it was through the connection, traumas, diet changes and exercise. I had been the same heavy weight for almost 24 years prior…so this was a new me! I could finally shop in the regular clothing sections of stores. The last time I recall that happening was in the 1980s. 

Sepsis

So in November 2019, I had just entered my 2nd Saturn return as the month prior was my 54th birthday. I didn’t even know at the time what a Saturn return was. I got deathly ill running a fever and almost passing out repeatedly. I never run fevers. So I had my husband take me to the emergency care. They found that I had a bladder infection. Because of my symptoms they gave me an antibiotic shot in my hip. The next day I wasn’t any better and was admitted to the hospital for sepsis due to pyelonephritis. While there they found I was extremely anemic, hence the dizzy and weak spells. So I was given a few iron transfusions. I spent two days there and my back was in extreme pain from the bed. I had been taking Percocet for years for hip and menstrual pain. I decided that if I was going to die, I wanted to be at home. I signed a consent form for early release.  While in the hospital however, I was so weak, I was brutally attacked by the Anunnaki. They attacked my permanent seed atom in my thymus gland. When I got home I had these weird sensations emanating from my thymus gland that felt seizure like. Being in the medical field, I knew that there was no medical diagnosis to support these symptoms. These seizure like internal tremors would take my energy down for days. I could barely move and function. This sickness would continue in the years that followed even till today. One day they scared me so bad I reached out to Alabama. I asked him to send me healing energy because of our connection. I realized I put him in an impossible position where he couldn’t say no if he wanted. I told him what to do and he did it. I felt his energy come in and help me. It wasn’t a cure. I thanked him and was honored he tried to help me. I think he helped me a few other times. 

After the hospital experience, one night in bed the wind was blowing really strong outside. It was late at night and my husband never came to bed with me. He would stay up watching tv. I didn’t understand how he could be so tired, work overtime and still not sleep. I walked past the living room on my way to take down the wind chimes outside that were clanking very loudly… and I saw him. Hunkered down on his iPad looking at porn. Suddenly everything became clear. I had told him years ago that if I found him doing porn again, I would divorce him. Since I was still sick I wouldn’t be able to leave for another year. I never confronted him about it as it was useless at this point. He didn’t want to change. I made plans to leave saving what money I could. I didn’t know how I could support myself as I was not earning any real money at this point. 

Alabama and I had started to grow apart in 2020. I could feel his energy pulling away. He was involved in his life, whatever that was. I left my husband in November 2020 moving in with my brother. I still was not well and any stress would put me in bed for days. I immediately put up Alabama’s picture in my room, I was so excited to publicly display him. The next day I took it down as I realized that he was never there for me and wouldn’t let me in his life. I was not going to honor a man who clearly didn’t want me. I did have visions brought to me by my team showing me that Alabama was very selfish and only considered how I would impact his life. I was shown one vision of him admiring himself in a mirror in a puffed up gold king suit with a crown. He thought a lot of himself. In another dream, he was driving and I was directly in the backseat behind him. He never noticed me in the back as he drove to work. I asked him to kiss me and he wouldn’t even turn his head. He got out of the car and didn’t open the door for me. He stood on the sidewalk talking to someone. I had to let myself out. I ran up to him and gave him a necklace I made. He didn’t say thankyou or care. He just ignored me and went up the elevator to his ivory tower to work, like an auto matron. I originally had misinterpreted this to be he was leading, until later when I wasn’t blinded by the connection. I was shown another vision of a colorful woman walking next to a dark shadow man. She was walking a weiner dog on a leash. It was a beautiful summer day. She was blissfully happy.  Then the dog started to dig in the mud and get dirty. The woman became angry and kicked the dog as it went sailing into the distance, leash and all. The relationship was dirty. I had misinterpreted this dream as kicking my husband out of my life. The dog represents a long loyalty by the woman with the man being dark. This didn’t fit my husband as I left him in the winter time. This was a premonition of times to come as I would later discover. In another dream with Alabama, I was sitting in his office. He was the admiral of a great naval ship. He came in dressed to the guns in military white with medals. He went on and on about how important he was to the running of this ship, which was very detailed. It had a massive theme of self importance. In another dream I was shown rejecting crooked snakes that were not for my highest good. The snakes representing men in my life and in the years to follow. Snakes are distinctive of sexual energy. It was a warning for me to avoid these types. 

When I went on a shamanic trip and entered my soul sistars house at 1 am, I was greeted by a woman living there. She was wearing an Alabama shirt that said Salty! This was a sign that Alabama had turned Salty on me. On a positive note, I was shown a vision of Alabama and myself climbing a wall back to back supporting each other, as we rose to the top. This vision was from a few years back. This would indicate supporting each other through the ascension but obviously not in the physical sense. So my guides had been sending me many messages to move on from my beloved. But I could not see it until one day when I did something completely stupid. I did a video of a card reading for Alabama in January 2021. In it I told him that… He needed to let go of his wife. Now this was very cruel of me to interfere and project my ego onto this man. He reached out telling me he had been divorced for 3 years. I went into shock. My strange thymus illness had been triggered by this revelation. He was very aloof with me and disconnected energetically. He said he LIKED ME but wasn’t sure about our connection. He even asked me if I was sure it was him!!! After that I lost all hope.  I couldn’t understand why he would talk to me this way. It was like I was experiencing a man I truly never knew. Which was and is true. He never allowed me to get to know him on any level. Together previously in our 1st conversation….We HAD confirmed signs for him regarding our bond back in 2018. Like when I had developed a scalp picking disorder in 2015, 2016 and 2017… he stated upon our 1st conversation, that he had scabs appear on his scalp for months for no apparent reason. Also, he would wake up in the middle of the night having dreams of being unable to breathe. This was my subglottic stenosis and my throat closing off. He had the same initials/letters as in my husband’s name. There were so many more synchronicities it was impossible to deny.  

I pulled cards. I got the ego card regarding him. In the picture it showed a man and two other people beside him… but all he could see was himself. My god…How had I been so fucking blind. This was a lesson I would never forget. I needed to honor me and my path, letting him go. HOWEVER… there truly is no letting go because you always feel them. It has always been the greatest paradox!

The next card showed me walking the other direction, looking back warily. I contacted a twin, named Tracy of Aloha Pink Bella. She did some work on me. She told me that there are other possibilities for us if our twins cannot step into their roles with us. That night I had a beautiful dream with a new beloved. He was showing real interest in me and what I do. He really listened to me with fascination. He sang me a song too as he was a musician. Then he had his shirt off and we were flirting with one another. 

I felt like I could finally move on without the illusive Alabama.  Once time, I had mailed Alabama a package with all kinds of beautiful personal gifts for him. He texted me after receiving this care package. He only said… he didn’t understand what he was supposed to do in reference to our connection. He never made any comments about the beautiful gifts I had sent. He made an appointment with me to call and discuss. The day of our appointment arrived and I felt this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. He stood me up, for some reason he was unable to talk with me due to fear. I could feel his fear.,. it felt scary to involve himself with a woman like me. The card I drew was the “two of swords”, showing a man hiding behind a dark cape, with two crossing swords. He was blocking love. 

Alabama never said thankyou to me over the years for anything I had sent or done for us except once when I sent him birthday wishes once. The amount of healing I did for this man was vast!!! This is something many of us awakened twins are guided to do for our beloved because it also support us. I vowed never to contact him again, ever. I deserve to be treated better than to be gaslighted, breadcrumbed, ignored and passed over.  I would realize later that he thought I was crazy! After all, who wants someone in their life they cannot understand. I get it! But this was a devastating revelation.

I started to do serious shamanic work and opened my website up for limited services. I stepped into that role seamlessly. I would later connect with men who would give me the support I needed, showing me how a divine masculine behaves toward a divine feminine. 

I got my divorce from my husband in February 2021. He got 90% of the marital assets while I got a mouse share. He tried to defame me in our divorce paperwork bringing out my twin and our connection. He even tried to turn my daughter against me. His lawyer called her to testify against me in our divorce. How horrific… as she suffered from a seizure disorder from her brain cancer as a child. My daughters seizure disorder was brought on by stress. I fought hard to get her out of our divorce. My husband didn’t care for my daughter’s health, only soothing his hurt ego. My daughter, Rosebud would later die that summer from a seizure.  It all turned out in the end. My ex was able to develop a close bond with her before her death, that she would have otherwise never had. She never felt her dads love much until after our divorce as he could be a depressed, angry man (In almost all our family photos, he never smiled or looked happy). He realized how deeply he loved her, so he doted on her and made her feel special.  I am truly grateful in hindsight for all the support I received from my husband in the years prior. I must have put him through hell. Truth be told, I was just being honest with him. We do make soul contracts before this incarnation, so on some level… we had both agreed to this mutual path.

I was grateful to get anything out of my divorce. I did gratitude practices to get me through the extreme challenges at that time. I represented myself as I didnt have money for lawyer fees. The money I received through divorce would be enough for me to do some shamanic traveling and support myself partially through my illnesses. I owe my family a debt of gratitude for their immense support in helping me on all levels especially financially. My living sister and brother are very eager to do anything and everything on my behalf. My parents have been very generous a well. It’s been very humbling. I adore my family! 

I started to connect with other beautiful women like me, then men. I was guided to lead or work with them on galactic projects for the planet. It made me feel like I finally had a place in this world.  Soul family that I had needed, started to appear in my life finally! I was appreciated for my deep shamanic work and made a name for myself.  

On a shamanic gridworking trip up the northern coast of the US, I was at the Heceta Head lighthouse area. I was playing in the waves when I received an omen of things to come. I had my silver Alabama ring on my toe. The waves took it from off my foot and it disappeared amongst the waves. I spent an hour searching the sand beneath the swirling waters trying to see through my tears. I never found it and left feeling sorrowful. The vision I had, about kicking this dirty Weiner dog (dirty relationship) out of my life in the summer time was just about to occur. 

On that trip, I had previously stopped at Mt Shasta as guided for a few days. What a mind blowing experience I had there. When I arrived and checked into my motel and sat on the bed. I was immediately greeted by a very masculine presence which I recognized as one of my beloveds. He was a blue being, Pleiadean. Due to the vortex there, I was only able to connect with him here and nowhere else. I was able to see into the mountain and all the galactic activities going on inside! He made love to me most of the time I was there. I drove up the mountain and did a ceremony with my crystals the next day and had dug a hole to place them in. We connected sexually and orgasmed at least 20 times into the crystals and grids there. It was beyond most anything I could comprehend. He would spend the nights there in bed with me. We truly missed each other and it was a beautiful reunion. It was however very heart wrenching as I drove away from this magical place. I could feel him crying deeply as the tears ran down my face. I would never feel him again like that unless I visited here again. 

Four days before my daughter died on July 12th, 2021 my twin was taken from me. I was in a client session with a very strong soul. My guides came in and showed me the heart cord being removed from us. I went into deep soul shock and thank god for my client. She held me as I sobbed. Her soul was very burly like a strong bear. I felt held by the divine. Then something miraculous happened. I was shown a new heart cord. I was being connected to a new divine masculine man. I was shown one of his homes on the coast of Cornwall (not sure how real this was). He had musician equipment in his home. My client saw what I was seeing. She told me he would treat me like gold. She could see him. I did have to get several sessions with Anna Lee to dissolve all the quantum entanglement with Alabama. It was brutal what was found. There had been much dark manipulation between us. I remember crying as the grids we worked on together in my travels were infiltrated. Anna comforted me telling me nothing was lost. I could no longer feel my beloved Alabama. He was gone. His energy seemed to disappear off the planet. I thought he had died. Even his higher aspects that supported me in client sessions disappeared. I didn’t know how to handle myself in sessions as I truly felt alone in this aspect for the first time. My wish indeed had come true to be free from this connection although very painful. I begged the divine to release me and tried to sever us many times. I was guided to destroy anything associated with this man. 

So I had my brother drive me up the canyon, I was very ill from losing him and my daughter… But forced myself to burn everything. My journals from the years prior went up in flames. It was a huge bonfire. Everything was deleted surrounding this connection that I could find. I was free!!! What was so painful is Alabama, the human was never there for me through all the dark times in my life. Our deep twin soul connection remained intact although I was somehow shielded from it. 

Then when I went to my massage therapist, who was a shaman like myself, my vision opened up completely to this new man. He was a winemaker in Italy. I was shown his villa, vineyards and several personal objects in his life. Wine was in his blood. I was even shown the crest on his labels of wine. We would later connect and share our favorite foods with one another. My guides wanted me to have hope after all that I had lost that year! I fell for it all, hook, line and sinker. I started painting with wine. When I would do galactic work he would come in and support me. Others I worked with saw him as well. He would use his wine and cigars in our galactic work. The wine represented the abundance this earth has to offer. The tobacco was very ceremonial. It was a dream to be connected to this man. 

So… After my daughter had died it was too much and I felt like it was my time to transition. Earlier that day I had seen a sign that said DEAD END and it was like the divine was pinging this message for me. The only thing that kept me here was this Italian Man I was connected to. I wanted what I could have with him.  So I fought hard to stay in my body and asked my brother to hold his crystal on my heart to keep me in my body. It worked although it took several hours for me to recover. Why had the divine taken both of them so close together? Anna said it was to help me release Alabama. I had to for my sanity. My heart was so broken at this point I don’t know how I survived. 

I caught my daughter, Rosebud… the day of her transition and did all the spiritual work I could for her after her death, as a Celestial Shaman. I also escorted her where she needed to be. The demonic attacks that day were beyond comprehension. She came back to me as my main guide to support me in all I do. It’s a great comfort to know that she is always there for me, no matter what. She works with my clients helping them with her flowers and insects, mainly Bees. She came forward in time to give me this message: STILL ALIVE!

At this time, I was also working with 3 specific embodied divine masculines who supported me and my work. We did much galactic work together that I was unable to do with my twin. Ronnie, my close friend, was there for me in all the dark times. We have a close bond. He being a twin as well, we were guided to merge a few times etherically. I saw myself birthing crystalline grids with encrusted jewels for the solar system that we had just created in my womb. He was the Divine Masculine support I had been lacking this whole time. We will always have a deep love for one another. It felt like he was a gift from god! 

In October 2021, I got entangled with a dark soul coach who was very arrogant. She manipulated my unhealed shadows against me. She latched onto my fears regarding feeling stupid all my life because I learn differently than others. She told me I would be embodying my immense intellect that had been denied me. She said she could see me being a computer programmer. She also told me to let go of my shamanic path. She told me to close my website and walk away. Fortunately the divine stepped in through my soul brother. He brought in a card that said to repurpose what I had built. So I closed my sessions but left my website up not knowing what was to be repurposed. Thank God I listened!!! She also removed my Italian twin. She said, he wanted a spiritual woman, not one of intellect. I was pissed to have this Italian twin taken from me. There were big lessons for me in this which I wouldn’t realize till the following year. 

I drove up to stay with my soul sistar for thanksgiving in 2021. She took me to the karaoke pub so we could sing and dance. I met a special man there. It would turn out he wasn’t for me but we were meant to connect deeply and we did. I have never had so much fun with a man before. At least not since my teen years. I started to feel him like a twin connection. He could feel me and he cried in front of me. Things moved pretty quickly between us. I could see this man had the largest white wing span I had ever witnessed. He had been in the Iraqi war and had the scars to prove it. I would feel him when we were not together. I could feel his stress from his job. I could feel him thinking of me. He drove a big black hummer and it was sexy. He tracked me down in my car just to get a kiss! Fuck yes. I loved every minute of it. I ended up spending the night with him. Afterwards I had to leave. I went back to my soul sistars where I thought I was going to die. I was too empathic to be with an unhealed man. I would never do this again as it took me down HARD. I started to write to my family, giving them death instructions. I knew I had to get back to Utah at all costs. So I drove home very sick. I spent the next month in bed trying to recover. I spent months afterwards, clearing what he transferred to me through his fluids. What is interesting is I later drove back through there on my way to Washington. I could feel his energy all over the grids there and sobbed buckets as I loved his soul deeply.  

On New Year’s day 2022, Alabama sent me a text. “Happy New Year”. 

I couldn’t understand why he was reaching out to me after all that had transpired. It was incomprehensible. I couldn’t even feel him at all, period. Why?! I texted him back. “Please let me go. If you would have wanted me in your life you would have made an effort these past 7 years. We have been disconnected and I no longer feel you.” etc…

He retorted saying I saw you in my dream but it must have been someone else. I told him all my contracts had been dissolved. I told him he had two weeks to call to discuss our connection if he wanted. He never reached out. I let it go. I truly believed my contracts had been dissolved through all that the divine had shown me. I still don’t comprehend my path completely. One thing I do know for sure is my human doesn’t seem to have complete free will. My life has been planned out for me and I am just following the script.

So… I was all alone energetically again with no connection to anyone just spending months in bed trying to heal. I contracted Covid from my vaccinated mother and then passed it to my vaccinated sister. So much for the validity of the vaccine which I vowed never to take. Covid took me down hard. I spent almost 2 months recovering. During this time I watched much PBS and Netflix. I discovered a few actors whom felt like a twin connection to me. I would then have to go in and heal our lifetimes together. That was interesting….

In the spring of 2022, I sat on a bench at a local park and tried to connect with my future divine masculine as I didnt know who he was. I really could not feel anything much at all. But for a brief moment I felt someone crying through me as I talked with them. I told them I was excited to share my world with them and create a beautiful new life together. So I walked into my unknown future regarding love. 

I was in a combined session with Anna Lee in August 2022. She said she could feel Alabama hovering in our session. I was reconnected to Alabama again. This was very difficult after all that I had endured with this man. It was a bitter pill to swallow. I was unable to accept it but sure enough… I don’t know how it happened… I felt him come back. I was cold and uncaring, holding anger within me I was unaware of until this moment. I really tried to let him go and forgive after our connection was severed in 2021. Something this deep though seems to multiply. So I began the process of dealing with my emotions surrounding having him back in my life energetically. The divine at this point appeared to have completely lost their marbles in my book. I found out rather quickly that it is possible to swear in light language! Haha…

I was processing in my light language screaming obscenities at him. Trying to purge my anger and rejection. When you are hurt on a soul level it’s exquisitely tormenting to say the least.

So I went down another healing journey releasing resentment towards this man. I wrote letters to him speaking my truth as I was unable to do this with him directly. I was successful in purging almost all negativity I held towards him again! I would never again feel the deep love and connection I had to him previously. It just did not seem attainable anymore. I just was in a space of conscious allowing wondering why the divine had me connected with him all over again. What was my lesson in this? I was never able to comprehend it. Anna had told me that I needed to consider him again for a divine union. I did end up writing letters to Alabama of forgiveness, reconciliation and offering him my love once more.

I also was shown in a session that due to dark attacks I had to be pivoted to other men. Because where my focus went, so did the dark. I was shown a basketball (my focus) being passed between the men I had connected with. Whomever was holding the basketball sustained the demonic attacks. 

A theme I have noticed with some of my twin sistars like myself, is connecting to divine men in threes. A sacred masculine trine of sorts where we are being supported by 3 masculine souls. Also, many feminine twins have been pivoted to other divine masculines, who are ready to step into a divine union… committed to spiritual growth, love and collaboration. The twin connection is then either severed or on hold because they are lost in the 3D realms of confusion, comfort, materialism or darkness. I am witness to this personally as I have done session work with them.

Update: On March 1st, 2023 about 8pm, I knew it was time. My deceased daughter Rosebud descended into my vessel with a massive graceful loving energy. She told me I had endured much sorrow surrounding this man. It was time to release him and this connection so I could move forward in my life with joy and hope… to make new dreams. She then removed the high heart cord to Alabama. The divine had actually listened to my pleas for help. I felt the deep sorrow on my soul as this occurred, sobbing gutturally. She helped me release him the 1st time through her death and THEN AGAIN after her death… she released me from him for what is the final time. Alabama did love me but he could not make the leap of faith to even meet me… I would have even loved an honest conversation with this man or even to have met him. He served as contrast between the husband with conditional love and what was possible with another divine masculine. He gave me the strength to leave my failed marriage although my soul connection to my wasband held many gifts for my growth. I am in deep gratitude not to be connected to Alabama anymore. It is very freeing and liberating. I felt like a bird in a cage I could not escape from. I have had many epiphanies surrounding this beautiful twin flame man that forever changed my life.

One thing I have learned from my experiences is that… I feel souls very deeply. Those souls that I feel are not always in alignment with how their human is in physical reality. I remember lifetimes with certain souls, yet they don’t have that awakening! I see the humans potential. So I have had to learn that if I feel that person is very special, their human might not be congruent with how I feel their soul to be. It takes much discernment on my part not to get too involved until I understand what I am dealing with. I love everyone just the same. Letting go of any judgements we might conditioned to.

I have learned what it is to be a Divine Feminine. To be an open loving vessel with goddess creational abilities. Being as the Blossoming Rose receiving her sustenance by all that is brought to her for her growth. She just needs to radiate her brilliance, creating with flow. Another important lesson I would learn from the rejection by my beloved… Is, I was not honoring me first. So, I had started (2021) to give myself the love I needed instead of seeking someone outside of myself. I would learn to set boundaries with my energy and whom I interacted with. I needed ME to heal ME as well. I learned that it is ok to feel your emotions and not deny them. I had been conditioned that it wasn’t ok to have negative emotions of any kind and stuff them. So yes, I started to speak my truth. Speaking your truth needs to come from a place of love however not judgement. It’s very difficult to embody this when you have been taught otherwise. Yes, in the beginning I was very harsh with others. I didn’t mean to be, I just hadn’t been taught how to deal with my emotions properly.

Utilizing Art has helped me awaken my right brain capabilities, bringing in balance. I started to write light language script and codes. I use both my left hand and right to bridge the gap in my brain and make new connections with my masculine and feminine. Spirit is always teaching me new things. Everything we need is within.

I could never have attained the spiritual levels I have achieved without my connection to Alabama, for which I am Deeply Grateful. I now know I have everything within me to be the Divine Goddess Feminine I came here to be. There are unlimited possibilities for growth here in this incarnation as I have discovered. I look forward in faith, honoring divine timing and having complete trust that the divine has my back no matter what…

I have had another divine connection since that has been taken from me. Maybe I will do a PART TWO for this.

All my Love Tracey

PS… I am still trying to move to the ocean. When the divine wishes, I will be moved to my new grid point

Tarot Cards are from Shadowscapes & The Akashic Tarot

.